How to Get a Better Relationship with Your Wife, Husband, Boyfriend or Girlfriend



How to Master Your Relationships. By now, you know about Tony Robbins. Maybe you’ve read his incredible books, or maybe you’ve seen his documentary on Netflix. I can promise you that you can’t go wrong by listening to the man- he’s brilliant.

Video Transcript

I’m excited to be here and also challenge the excitement is the subject is one the one I’m most passionate about of all the things that I communicate or worked on or focused on in my life and that’s because I believe if you’re not happy in your intimate relationship you’re not happy because no matter what happens I mean how much love we have from our children or how much we accomplish in our lives and how much we achieve you know I I personally believe in our soul everybody wants that experience of aliveness so I’m not just about marriages I had four tisane fathers so I know the impact that things can come from being in a position where families don’t stay together but frankly I wouldn’t change it you know to see my mother miserable and unhappy to stay with somebody which is what she did with one of those relationships for ten years I wouldn’t want to see her do again so I’m not for the institution by itself I’m not for the relationship I’m for the people in it and what I really believe though is it’s a critically important institution and I’ve supported amazingly but I want to make sure that the people within it don’t just settle for being able to say I’m still married to me that’s not an accomplishment and I really don’t and I say that also because you know of that sense of aliveness affects your kids as much as anything else as well and so I really I really believe that any relationship can be brought the love and passion again but the challenge of course is that most people today have a perspective and expectation where the highest standard they have is not for themselves what they expect on their partner and I think that’s the number one reversal that has to occur in any relationship for things to transform that was long as we’re looking at what am I getting out of a relationship then we’re going to be disappointed we’re going to be frustrated we’re going to have challenges and so my view of things is to shift that with people and to do in a very practical way is to really shift both parties but also I focus on both male and female but it is true that most men I really do care but they don’t they’re not armed with the understanding of females but I think understanding that and being actually applying it in an impactful way or two different things and I think the awareness is the first step but then training yourself so you can feel successful because most men and I think to some extent great deal of women today do not feel like this is there they could be successful on when you talk to people about the areas their lives that they feel strongest in you’ll almost always find they’re stronger in their career they’re stronger in the relationship with their kids they’re stronger even in their body than they are in the relationship and it’s because it’s so difficult when you’re dealing with a person who is you know got all these energies and thoughts and feelings that are completely different than you and simultaneously you know you have a love for them but also you’re facing the deep fear that everybody has underneath and that fear is that that level at last and when that happens people start to really break up inside so when I thought you know my excitement is to talk about subject and to really try and serve you my challenge is the shortest seminar I usually do is 50 hours five-zero because I don’t believe in getting up and just speaking and sharing a principle or something like that what I really believe in is doing it so I’ll take people in a weekend and we’ll talk about the principle and then boom we go after it so that it gets in your body we do it enough times so you’re doing it you’re not just thinking it so you know the short little time we have here doesn’t come close to that but I think I’ve got a format of some things I can introduce you to so first I want to thank you for the privilege to be here second I’ll tell you in advance that I try and cover a lot of Terry in a short period of time but also in doing so I’d like to make it more active and what I mean by that is when I look around I see the challenges that most people have in relationship I think the number one challenge is something I’ve seen for 30 years and I don’t just see a relationship I’ve always wanted to know the answer to a question then obsessed by the question of what makes the difference in people’s lives and I grab very poor I’m talking to my fourth father I’m saying mom I’m confused people I was not popular in school I love people so I was passionate about figuring out what’s the difference in people you know why is it that some people are given everything you know the type they really do have parents that love them that are there for them they have tremendous educational background they have all the economic resources and they end up spending lies going in and out of rehab you know they had all the resources and then you meet somebody who’s been you know abuse or no one’s been there for them or they’re very physical abusers actually these or the worst things you could possibly happen to a human being and they turn out to be some of the finest human things you’d ever need in your life we’re out there working to help other people make a difference so we all want to believe that our lives that turned out because of our biography and the reality is we can all find people with a horrible biography of an extraordinary life and we have people with an extraordinary biography who have a life that none of us have what a trade with so what’s the real challenge I believe that the challenge in relationships and in life in every area is emotional Fitness that it starts with how emotionally fit you are in a relationship and there are patterns that make people emotionally unfit there are patterns that make people frustrate their patterns that make people depressed their fathoms that make people angry their patterns that make people feel sorry for themselves and they’re also patterns that make people compassionate playful physically passionate emotionally strong you know there are different patterns and they stand out to you when you’ve been around that many people so I’ve had now 50 million people get my books and tapes but I’ve been with three million people face to face from 80 countries so when you’re on those many people the pattern becomes clear and I’ve been able to use those patterns and that’s what I want to kind of expose you to tonight and frankly you know I think these patterns are common-sense but you know how many of you noticed the common sense is not too common in other ways like all yeah that’s simple but you know I can say I know this stuff well if you’re not doing it you don’t know it you understand it and understanding and $3 or almost gets you a cup of Starbucks these days you know it’s really nice to understand things but that doesn’t change anything you got to get your body and actually do it but I’ve learned enough of these patterns that now over the last you know 20 years or so of the 30 years of my career I’m the guy that gets the call when the fire starts you know when the athlete is burning down on national television and something’s got to be done right now to turn them around and you know I either get them or I don’t and for 30 years I’ve gotten them that’s I’ve built my reputation and if you’ve got to produce results right now and I’m able to do that because an understanding of these need structures I’m going to talk to you about or I get the call when the child is going to commit suicide or the adult and in 30 years you know knock on wood I’ve never lost one suicide in 30 years that doesn’t mean I won’t someday but I never have that one single time out of the thousands of suicide attempts and again because of understanding these needs I’m going to talk to you about I get the phone call you know in the middle of night true story in Surprise United States sang Tony they’re going to teach me in the morning what should I do and I say did you called me sooner oh sure sorry so in the experience of looking to make those changes and looking how to change same thing in relationships and our couples that are gone the films that I wanted to make with Chloe’s and let’s not make some of the couples that have troubles let’s make couples that look like they’ve gone beyond the edge by anybody’s estimate there’s no way to turn around because by that extreme when so much of the film they look at their own life they go oh my god these people can do it they did here I could do it too that’s the contrast you want but the basis of all that I do comes down to knowing the difference in your life your relationship your physical life your emotional life any aspect of your life comes down to this sense of psychological strength or emotional fitness and what I mean by that is this let’s go straight to relationship for a second what is relationship really about intimate relationship well other than a friendship the only difference being a friendship and an intimate relationship should be intimacy so what I call love and passion so just hanging out together for the sake of the kids is not something we’re talking about and if you’re going to have that incredible relationship it’s all based on emotion it doesn’t based on a logic when you fall in love with somebody don’t make a checklist like oh I like to escape that this is good hate that this is good don’t like that how do you fall in love what do you do you focus on every little thing you could possibly like or love about this person you fully associate to it every way you tell all your friends until you make them sick and you’re talking about your think of those four that loves you do this I know but he does that that’s an amazing you’re talking about him you think about them you put a whole bottles of Cologne on and another night you know you take extra showers midnight you’re thinking about him you calm up with two o’clock in the morning you go I was just thinking about you started call so late but we can thinking about me and they say yes you look up who’s been there raise your hand say aye yes now if you’re not raise your hand we really have problems for you at this stage right so what’s interesting is that experience how long does it last those really long quiet answer that one can it lasts forever yes or no yes or no notice I got people that work with people in a relationship saying no that’s not encouraging yes because many people in this field think oh no that that’s a phase in the relationship that stays you know where everything is just level of beautiful and you know having that expectation is you know that’s what’s wrong with people you lower their expectation to get realistic about marriage that is not what it’s about I want to tell you something I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life interviewing people that are having amazing relationships who’ve been together 20 30 and 40 years and they don’t just hang out they love each other and they’re passionate for each other passionate I interviewed a couple came to one of my seminars wasn’t a relationship seminar and they’re one program I call do call date with destiny that I do it’s a six day program and for five days in a row this couple sat in the front row he was 92 years old she is 89 and they were playing so full-out I mean so full out of my seminars not about just sitting and listening we do stuff and but during any break or sense of a break they were touching each other hold each other and it was getting out of controls like get a room and so I mean it was really tough you know and it kept being in front of Ross a little distracted here you know so fondly I said I stopped everything I was doing and I said I want to interview you to come up here on stage I thought of on stage got two chairs and I said I won’t understand something I said you guys been married how many years 52 years that’s amazing now clearly you love each other but it appears you also love each other and they said oh yes I said you guys seem to have a lot of passion for each other and they both say oh yes of course I said what’s the secret to 52 years and the lady said well you can’t just love got a touch and everybody cracked up you know and I said well so you you still at this age of great physical passion of course and he said oh my god I live for it he’s 92 right and I say well what’s the secret to your physical passion and she said well we try anything once that we like it we do it again all right okay that’s good so if you think about a relationship other than the maintenance of some responsibilities people today in our society won’t do things just for responsibility they’ve been taught to focus on themselves unfortunately and while we all have to have a sense of responsibility what’s even greater it’s like discipline discipline never works long-term never what works is when you become addicted to something positively new you trade one addiction for another when you shift from having to doing something to wanting to do something so our focus is how to make that happen but I say this to you if you want to change a relationship the number one thing you have to do is master your own emotions if you don’t do that forget it there’s no hope and what’s wonderful though is it’s easy to do if you know how but none of us have been taught really emotional leadership emotional management is a very minimum let’s let’s how to direct and shape ourselves I don’t mean faking your emotions and I mean pushing them down I don’t believe in positive thinking although you may think that from watching you know some of the media coverage because people see me in an audience and there’s 12,000 people there jumping and leaping and people all are just in this motivational stuff it’s not that it’s that energy is part of life and if you’re sitting passively listening you’re not going to listen very long certainly not 50 hours and thing like that if you turned on and you saw rock and roll concert you’d see people cheering going for it if you went to a sporting event why do people do it because there’s an energy there so I create that in those environments but I’m not into positive thinking I’m not here tonight to tell you to go to your garden and say there’s no weeds there’s no weeds no leaders no leads I’m very clear that I believe that life is about leadership and being truthful to yourself and so I believe number one that the mandate for any great relationship and mandate for anybody to lead their own life and not be a followers you got to see things as they are but not worse than they are because that’s where most people go that’s where they go on relationship that’s why they start to tear it down that’s where the relationship starts to break down because people get scared when isn’t working out and then they make it worse than it is so they don’t have to try if they don’t want to try again and be disappointed they don’t want to feel that sense of rejection they don’t want to feel that sense of failure so most people make it much worse than it is you tell me all the time I’m skeptical I’m pessimistic I said no no you’re gutless it takes no guts it takes no courage to be a pessimist to say it’s not going to work to try to find out what’s wrong what’s wrong is always available so that’s right so I’m not into positive thinking but I am into intelligence and intelligence says see it as it is don’t make it worse than it is maybe you’ve all the time say ah my problem is I’m big-boned no you’re freaking fat tell the truth you know what is this big-boned story you know the only way it gets better is if you can see ideas don’t make it worse than it is don’t try make it so it’s impossible to change that’s not true that’s her at all the second mandate I think – changing anything in your life – believe in your life is once you see it as it is not worth it is then you got to see it better than it is because that’s the thing it’s missing from most relationships there’s no vision I mean without a vision and a Bible it says people what parish and what a relationship has no vision for greater than where they are that relationship is going downhill if not destroyed I believe that every relationship every part of life every part of a human being needs a compelling future if the future is not more compelling than today so they could be tough where the futures compelling we can get there and that’s what every leader does and every one of you in this room and I know some of you are here I guess from the general public as well just for your own relationships I really acknowledge you for but I know you’re from the military here and all the therapists here people from all walks of life you’re all leaders what’s your job to lead your job is how people see it as it is not worth it is what’s your job help them create a compelling future see it better than it is so there’s a reason to get my all again otherwise there’s just no juice there’s no energy why they’ll go through the motions complain with each other not really believe it’s going to work and nothing will change and then finally the third step that we’ve all got to do if we’re going to change our life or anybody else’s is make it the way we see it and that’s where strategy comes in I try to take things that are complex and make them as simple as possible I’ve noticed most people in Psychological will try to make it as complex as humanly possible because it makes it so so sophisticated we can talk with all these complex words and elements and so forth we can really you know we got our degrees and we wear somebody but you know what that doesn’t help anybody so I look for a nickel word and not trying to sound harsh to get to the cart of something I’ll try to take something complex and make it simple so that people really will apply it and that’s the focus here so if you and I’m going to talk about relationships as a whole and say what are they I come back to the base of it it’s all emotion that’s all it is if two people are both high as a kite during their having the time of their life their life is going well their work is going well everything’s going well what kind of relationship with these two people going to have you tell me good great average terrible what is it come on yell out you know it’s going to be great because they’re in emotional high in emotional high everyone communicates well when they’re in a great state isn’t it true men and women even then communicate well when they’re in a great state right is it true so this is the key now if you’ve got those same two people and they’re in a ok state you know all life’s ok this is ok kids are ok girls ok brother laws ok today whatever if they’re both ok what’s the state going to be like what’s the relationship like you can predict it what’s going to be like good great average what would you say average if both people are suffering they’re hurting they’re in pain frustration or their work overwhelmed with their kids you know some challenge with a family member hitting a stage of life or they’re questioning their identity or their future or what they can do they don’t have a compelling future and they’re both in a low state you tell me you know it you’ve got the experience what kind of relationship good bad great horrible what would you say a quick sucks technical term thank you sir it sucks yes that relationship is going to suck in the technical term that relationship is going to have huge challenges because in that state you’re in the danger zone people are going to say things they’re going to react to each other they’re going to respond in ways that really aren’t reflection of who they are they’re reflection of the state they’re in how many of you have ever snapped up somebody had nothing to do with them with just the state you’re in your body was hurting you’re going to something who’s ever done this raise your hand say aye but the problem is we have a much higher standard of what we expect from our spouse and when they do something like that we rarely forget it right and so then it starts to stack so there’s Chloe describes the process of stacking great memories most people get to where they are to the point of seeking you out because they stack the negative experiences they didn’t just take one experience and come to you it’s a series of experience is usually the stacked of stacked and stacked until now it’s like if I took my arm here and I rubbed your arm like this no problem but if you get a scab there and we touch it with a feather you’re going to jump out of your skin it’s the same thing where people are so building emotional fitness is the number one gift you can give anybody because otherwise if it comes sit down and I can’t stand it when I sit down with couples like this there’s such whiners and it just old man he does this he does Anna’s if do you know what you sound like let me record this and play it back for you because we live in a world where everybody’s focused on what they’re not getting and as you do that there is no relationship a relationship when your love with somebody what will you do for them what it’s not a trade it’s not okay I did this because you did that that’s it all you have is a transaction that’s why I honestly don’t like the word partner the partner is a transaction you get a business going we got a deal here we’ve got some rules that we abide by and I think that that is a reflection of what most marriages become today because our culture has hypnotized us our culture signa ties us into believing that this is what you should adjust to and frankly I know many therapists who are constantly trying to adjust to someone and say well no this is just just at this stage of your relationship this is where it is now that’s spark that people have initially can come alive at any point but it can’t happen without the emotional fitness so you and I if we’re going to transfer this to somebody else frankly we got to have it too and think about this base of emotional fitness is energy and you’re exhausted how the hell are you going to passion in your relationship I mean people come home and it’s like even be especially let’s say ones kind of excited for whatever reason kind of frisky or excited view that person let’s say that lucky moment happens usually like all honey I love this wonderful but uh I I’m exhausted I got to eat something I got this to do tonight I got to prepare for that I got answered my 500 emails and it just drops to the floor so here’s a scary part I think most therapists accept this as the standards like you know this phase the relationship this excitement this passion can’t last because frankly you’re tired most of you all day long are dealing with so much of other people’s stuff dealing with the day after day there’s a staffing for you too now why don’t we apply it we’re smart people were intelligent people I’ll tell you why two reasons the main reason is that everyone in this room including myself we had a horrible experience and that as we went to a 20th century school I call it horrible because it conditioned all of us for to be passive just like you’ve been for the first 10-15 minutes of my talk you’re all in your school room classroom I can see you’re being very nice to me and I’m very grateful for it but see what are the 20th century school prepare you for it cleaned you since you were four or five years old to get you ready for a job in the 20th century which no longer exists the 20th century job you’re going to be an industrialized job so the bell rings at school and what do you do you need to report to your desk your position that later on you would report to write think you’d be getting a job on a line and when you get there what are you supposed to do you’re supposed to sit down shut up and wait for someone to tell you what to do don’t speak until he said what to do and then do that and by the way do not talk to your neighbor how many heard this growing up when you’re in school all the time yeah me too now I was a talker so I was in trouble I had a fifth grade teacher mr. Giles it used to drive me crazy because he wanted to silence all the time every minute he wanted silence I think he just hated kids so he’s like really quiet he used to make me write these ten thousand word essays why we’ll never talk again in class I wrote six of these in his class ten thousand word each I went to my high school reunion true story my 10-year high school reunion there are several teachers there there’s mr. Giles and went up to him I said you know this talking thing worked out pretty good for me here’s my point though my point is we’ve all been taught to passively take in information right so as you’re sitting here right now even if you’re having a good time glue this is interesting it just makes sense or many of big key that whatever you’re thinking inside your head you know if you’re sitting here in your past even if you’re having a good time the state of mind you’re in gets linked to what you’re learning that’s why I want to work with people if they’re passive and listen even if they agree with you you know that makes sense yeah that’s really good think it’s linked to that thing to label and they feel equally afraid about doing here I should probably do that yeah it should I do that so today if you don’t talk to your neighbor you’re out of business today if you wait for someone to tell you what to do it’s over especially in a relationship if you’re going to make anything happen today have to be completely proactive and different and yet we’re all still hypnotized so I’m going to ask you to try something new and that new thing is this when we’re active when we’re doing this seminar right now we take some information in if you listen to me passively research shows you’ll never less than ten percent of what I said within three months in fact some studies is less than 30 days which basically means you wasted your night night it to if you listen to take a few notes research shows even if you ever read the notes again it goes up to 40 to 50 percent retention because just a physical act of writing it down drives the groove deeper in your body if you listen and you take notes and you physically active leave your body it goes up to 90 to 95 percent that’s like if you yell back the answer if you engage your nervous system because the group goes into an active mode not just a deeper memory so I’m gonna ask you a couple things one is the vastra question if you would yell back the answer that’s not so we have a rah-rah session here because I told you I don’t believe in positive thinking but because it’ll go deeper and your energy be higher how many will do this say ah all those opposed motion scary okay second thing is if you really want to shift then the fastest way to change your life is to get back in the growth mode I don’t care what it is if you want to know what makes people happy it’s one word progress it’s not achievement achievement gives you happiness for a moment or maybe a week or whatever whatever it is you think you’ve got when you get there it doesn’t last because life is growth we’re gonna grow it or die and we all know the phrase but it’s because it’s true you know phrases have been overused and sound stupid at this point the reason people use is because they’re accurate if you’re going to be alive progress is it if you want your body to feel alive you’ve got a big progress if you want your relationship to be alive there’s got to be progress if people experience progress they are happy if they don’t they won’t be I don’t care what they achieve I don’t care where they go so progress if you’re going to make it the first place to start to get it is be like a kid again it’s getting people to break their patterns all the problems in relationships are based on patterns you interrupt the pattern doesn’t work it’s so easy but to do that you got to break your own to do that you gotta have enough energy so what I’m gonna ask you to do is to be a kid again cuz when you’re a kid you try anything right kids will do anything if a kid tries something it doesn’t work they don’t feel like a failure they just get up and try something else but if an adult try something it doesn’t work they goes anybody see that no never doing that crap again it’s bizarre so here’s what I believe what’s missing from relationships that’s missing from people’s lives most people have a low standard for what they expect from themselves that’s it that’s it sorry to be so simple but that’s it and so the way to raise your stand around is get around where it’s better unless something hits you because most people don’t have great role models when it comes to physical body I started on some of my friends talking about oh I’m getting old they’re forty eight forty five years old forty so I decide I’m gonna spend the next year interviewing people that are over the age of 65 I’m going to seek them out and find them who are role models for me because I want people over age 65 that are extreme athletes that are performing to better than 25 and 30 year olds because I’m going to find out what it is that makes them tick because that’s what I want I want a long passionate extraordinary life so the first woman I found 72 years old sister Madonna Catholic nun who did not exercise in any consistent way so she was 40 at 40s who’s getting a little plump decided she was going to go for a little walk and each day she walked a block further within a year she was running 10 KS then all of a sudden marathons and from the age of 40 picture this to the age of 72 and I interviewed her over those 32 years she ran more than 350 iron men now I mean this is unbelievable I want you picture this waking up on your 72nd scuse me 71st birthday you fly in Hawaii to celebrate your 71st birthday you wake up that morning decide the way your going to celebrate your birthday is to run an Ironman so you get in the morning you’re 71 and your birthday and you run out marathon then after your marathon you go for what a 2 and 1/2 mile swim then after that you jump on your bike for 100 miles now picture this you’re at Mile 45 roughly and you are passing 35 year-old men better yet pretend during the 35 year old man that a 71 year old woman is passing sister Madonna got to my lifer get the exact mile but about 67 68 69 she was more than 3/4 he only has like 25 miles to go the whole thing’s done and she’s on the Big Island of Hawaii and if you’ve not been there it’s beautiful but it’s desolate because you know what’s happened is there’s no trees all the lavas come down and wiped out everything so very rocky and since there’s no blockage there’s lots of wind and the wind’s picking up and it’s coming right at her and she’s coming to the end of this thing she’s you know maybe got 25 miles to go and the winds picked up to 35 miles an hour then almost 40 miles an hour and she became a Flying Nun it kicked the wind snapped her and her bike littering smashed her on the rocks she broke her hip split her clavicle cut her face they took away in an ambulance the next year they started to vote they were deciding that they’re not gonna let anybody over the age of 55 do this because it’s too dangerous so she protests that he came up and did it again at the age of 72 and completed it how’s that for some determination huh think of those standards think of what’s possible you know you have it first oh I’m tired I’m stressed they’re 50 I interviewed a man 98 years old I weigh at minimum is at the New York City each year they have a race of the Empire State Building up the stairs and obviously most people running or 20 25 30 years old maybe 35 98 years old running up the Empire State Building steps as they warm up to the Boston Marathon so here’s what I say to you if you want to bring a gift back to the clients you work with the first one you’ve got to bring is a renewed energy a different standard of what you expect from yourself because energy is transferred to people words by themselves don’t do it if you take these words and you think of words like a little stick pen I know you buy a blonde woman will stick to him that’s a word I throw it at you will you feel it maybe but if you wire to the back of it an iron bar called emotion boom you can put that right through somebody’s heart and it’s hard to do that if you don’t rejuvenate yourself so here’s what I like to do ever seen a kid walk through the living room and it kind of like you know how old somebody is by the way they move don’t you the older somebody is the less they move total rigidity is also known as death and if you want to keep you this from the kids account like walking around they walk you’re living like this also they go whew just keep on walking like nothing’s happened whoever did this in your kid come on say ah okay well I want you to get in that kind of a playful mode my way of looking at this is this if you’re not a kid you’re not flexible if you’re not a kid you’re not still learning if you can be in that mode you don’t take yourself so seriously you can add so much more value so maybe at 47 I’m still a kid and the way I use this is this metaphor in my mind I imagine that my metaphor for life always is a test is if I’m walking along and there’s been a big rainstorm and now there’s a big puddle in your way regardless of your chronological age your psychological age is the one it’s actually isn’t it I mean you know these people I talk to you about chronologically the role but psychologically they’re much younger than 20 year olds so if there’s a puddle in your way and your old person mentally how do you deal with a puddle come on guys what do you do now you don’t just walk around it you walk around the puddle in mode while you walk around it isn’t that what old people do what does the kid do when they see that puddle what they do I am right how many of you want to be a kid with me for just about 90 minutes you can always go back to being an old fart later if you want to raise your hand say I okay I’m going to give you a test stand up shake you body out you’ve been sitting for a while stretch a little bit from the one side give it a deep mode oh come on mo another way back mode for deep moan kind of shake your body out a little bit get a little bud flowin in there again now what determines the quality of a person’s relationship more than anything else well there are lots of answers that question I wouldn’t say there’s any right answer but I would say to you the number one thing is their level of emotional fitness now their emotional fitness though could be determined by a lot of things but the most basis of it is how you feel emotionally has to do basically with your psychology doesn’t your mindset your model of the world the way you interpret what things mean because meaning produces emotion change somebody psychology can change their life don’t do that nothing else changes I have a friend who just made a documentary called the war tapes she was offered to go to Iraq and to be embedded with the members of the National Guard or whatever it was in the state she was in and she said you don’t wanna do instead I want to give the troopers cameras and let them shoot you haven’t seen the documentary it’s unbelievably intense and beautiful because it shows war all the levels of it you see the humanity of it the inhumanity of it sawed through these men’s eyes the reason I tell you the story is I asked her what moved her most and she said there was one man she followed up with who was blown up and she went to the hospital to see him and she said Tony she said just brought tears to my eyes because I walked in here this big smile on his face and his left arm is gone and she said you know I sat down with him you were sitting at the table and we started talking and she said I couldn’t believe it I thought maybe he’s on drugs maybe he’s in shock maybe he’s just trying to put on a good front and she said he was genuinely grateful to be alive and happy and grateful to God and she said well why he said because I’m a righty here’s the killer piece what she told me she said they talked for an hour and a half she said she left feeling stupid about the things she feels bad about in her life and feeling so grateful she been with this man at the end he pushed away from the table and he had no legs he lost his legs and his arm all I mentioned was he’s a riot II didn’t even talk about the legs so most of us are unfit emotionally which means something in our psychology as made as weak part of it is how do you build the muscles push through difficult times and most of us today in our society what we think is difficult will be somebody else’s idea the greatest dream on this earth and people forgotten that so they get bitchy and whining and complaining about the littlest stupid things so we got to start with ourselves so let’s learn about your psychology first shall we let’s do a little test point hands out like this and when I say now bringing together like this when I say now but I like people anticipate that’s good ready now ready now ready now keep your hands together extensive psychological research over 35 years has shown something interesting just like in relationships we develop patterns or not even a bit noticing like no matter how many times they play on to part bring them together you’ll usually have the exact same thumb there you’ll drop on if your left thumb is on top of your right thumb research shows that the driving force in your psychology is the desire for sex and your incredible lover if however when you brought your hands together and put them back on top if your right thumb is on top of your left thumb and the driving force and your psychology is the desire to be intelligent and you will make a difference and you financially free in your lifetime [Applause] check out this man he’s got a thumb fight do I want the sex of the money in a sec for the money if your thumbs didn’t cross they just wind up equally like this it means you think you’re sexy rich and smart remember three and never will be this has nothing to do with anything just making sure you’re awake okay shake your body out okay how many degree that if your emotion is high you can deal with stuff a hell of a lot better say I company agree in a relationships a hell of a lot better when you’re high say I good then let’s see how to go from high to low and how you do it if the illusion is something makes us feel a certain way but the truth of the matter is you can say they set this and it pissed me off well somebody else could have said it it doesn’t piss you off so all this is a belief about how to respond but the emotion itself you trigger even good emotions if like you kiss somebody in Wham mr. happy comes the full attention you’re so excited where does that feeling come from does it come from wet tissue touching wet tissue know what that was through kissing your dog would excite you it’s because you have a belief in your head that someone who is shaped like this so I’m going to share the same spiritual values if somebody kisses me like this why am I feel like this but if they’re not spiritual like me or if they’re shaped like this and they kiss like this you go like this it’s a belief system emotions at their Ross form are always available and we do emotions they don’t happen to us and that’s the lesson we want to get in our bodies we can teach our clients here’s what I want you to see emotion is created by emotion emotion comes from the way you move if I said to you there was the press person behind curtain number one over here and for a $100,000 donation to your favorite charity if you could describe their physical body without even seeing them no you can do it tell me what’s your posture like quick nice and loud what is it where’s their head where are their eyes breathing full or shallow muscles they’re face-up and tight or slack now how come whatever mm you all agree because you practice this crap before haven’t you now if you take something like that and you change their physical body so science shows today you just radically change their physical body you change the biochemistry like that it’s not a sick thing like hiding your emotion of pretending to be happy a radical change the body for this is a radical change in emotion so let’s do a subtle little test for this I want you shake your body out and here’s I want you to do in a moment I’m going to ask you to approach five or six people as quick as you can next minute or two and introduce yourself to people but when you introduce yourself to them I want you to do it in a very specific way in a very specific state of mind I want you to greet people as if you feel like meeting them is a total waste of your time right they’re scum why do you have to meet them so it might look something like this you sir come here give it what’s your name what Frank bill get out of here okay now as therapist knows to be very difficult but if you go with kfe but what I want you to do is deliberately put yourself in a state where it’s a weight who here has ever been pissed off and frustrated raise your hand say I I want you to deliberately get in this frustrated state like a waste of your time and the reason I want to do this is I want you to notice not only how somebody greets you and how it feels that’s obvious I want you to notice what do you have to do with your body to go if you really do this legitimately we put yourself in a state where it’s a waste of your time it’s frustrating you’re little pissed off when you go through the muscles in your face to get in that state of mind what happens you’re breathing to get that state of mind how do you have to change it how do you move what gets tense in your body you go straight towards them or do you hesitate you talk louder more quiet faster slow I want you to notice the physical things you have to do to go in the state now if you don’t do this like if you just do a kind of half-breed anything like why are we doing this stupid exercise be like a kid not like a boring adult so stay in state notice what you do total waste your time you got one minute go meet as many people as you can go [Music] now shake your body out your outfit completely now please give me an out loud answer for two reasons they’ll keep your energy high and secondly everyone will hear the percentage of the audience is affected so first did you have to change your body to go into the state yes or no did you change the muscles in your face yes or no did you change your breathing yes or now more full or more shallow say it again 2,000 people different belief systems different backgrounds I’ll say the same thing did you talk more loud or more quiet hmm faster or slower I notice you all different backgrounds belief systems values come from different arts of the world so here’s some different country in the United States raise your hand who’s in different country look at this and you’re all saying the exact same thing here’s why what is universal all human beings what God has created with us or nature whatever your belief system is is we have the same neurology if you use it one way you’ll produce one emotion use a different way you produce another emotion has nothing to do with your partner when you get it you can change it so let’s try something a different state shake your body out I’d be like a kid again not a boring adult and here’s what I want you to do this time when you greet people we’re going to do in a different state I want you to greet people is if you’re deathly afraid they’re going to reject you now who here has ever failed to do something because of a fear of rejection anybody in this room say aye okay good then you know what I’m talking about but here’s what I want you to do as adults we cover up this feeling even from ourselves we try to hide it I want you to exaggerate what you do so you’ll notice what you’re doing on a more subtle level so you really be like a little kid so it might be like this you might go um sir come here can you use it you know hi how you doing what what’s your name what’s your name bill nice to meet you I’ve got a strong voice Thanks and I want to exaggerate what will you do if you’re definitely afraid they’re going to reject you notice what you do differently with your face your voice your body your breathing your tension and see how it’s different than when you’re pissed off dipped with me because you can stay in character definitely afraid they’re gonna reject you go go go [Music] [Music] give me an answer nice and loud please – your Energy’s high you hear it did you have to use your body very differently to go on a state of fear of rejection than piss off yes or no did you change the muscles in your face yes or no did you change the way you were moving yes or no did you change your breathing yes or no more full or even more shallow than when you’re angry which one say it again mm-hmm did you talk louder or quieter faster or slower mmm again 2,000 people roughly all saying the same thing interesting because in order to feel the fear of rejection you got to do something your body regardless of what somebody says it’s something you do it doesn’t happen to you let’s do one last one shake your body out try different state this time I want you to approach people as if whether or not they like you or not will determine whether or not they do business with you or not which will determine whether or not your children eat next week in other words if they don’t like you in the first three to five seconds of meeting you and people would never make such a judgment so quickly would they if they don’t like you in the first three to five seconds of meeting you in case you don’t have kids everyone you care about dies like pigs and hell it’s that important they like you let’s see if you use your body differently ready go go go [Music] all right did that feel better yes or now yes or now did you use more of your body yes or no more of your face yes or no did you breathe more full or more shallow did you talk louder or quieter did you move faster or slower did you hesitate or go straight for them did it feel good why because the emotion is created by motion if you use more of what God has given you you will feel more but most of us have learned to shrink how we use our bodies and the cultures we live in today most people’s idea of exercise is fill the tub pull the plug and fight the current people get injured typing today oh that hurts scary use your body you will feel more alive the same thing is true of these couples now was that the best greeting you’re capable of giving another human being yes or now some of you think yes most you’re saying no let’s movie the exercise I said if you don’t give your best everyone you care about dies like pigs and hell and you still don’t give your best we need to talk listen if you said no I respect you because you were honest because whenever we say we’ve given our best it’s always a lie because whenever you get there what do we always discover there’s another level every four years for centuries and Olympics what happens people run faster they jump higher than this more weight every four years for thousands of years how does this happen drug that’s out no no no no that was just a recent thing the point of the matter is whenever you get to where you think your guest is it opens up another possibility this is what couples have to see they think they’ve only had their best days in the beginning and some of us have been guilty of encouraging or agreeing with that and that’s the worst thing you could possibly do this idea when I first started coming out doing the things I was doing I’ll never again he attacked so many words he’s raising people’s expectations and they’re going to be disappointed I the hell so disappointment if you don’t have a higher expectation get disappointed you’re not going for anything you’re not alive I’m sorry to disappoint me to drive you or crush you you get their side which one it’s going to be absolutely so in fact clearly wasn’t the best when you’re capable giving we have to take up one more level you say we’re do get naked no no this time what I want you to do is I want you to greet people like they’re your long-lost lover or best friend like oh my god look at Mary looking oh my god what I want to greet people like your long-lost lover or best friend ready go go go [Music] [Applause] did that feel better yes or no yes or no did you use more of your body or less of your body more of the muscles of your face or less did you breathe more area Tori more shallow yes did you talk faster or slower did you have the data go straight for them did you talk louder or quieter did you touch them oh yeah did it feel good why cuz I told you – very good sir thank you very much because emotion is created by that’s right now most people get in a relationship because they’re after some emotion not another job true or false and for most people that comes a job and then many people encourage them to stay with the job which is a nice thing but would it be nicer to have them enjoy the job and not have it feel like a job and the only way to do that is we’ve got to rejuvenate the individual there’s nothing worse nothing on earth than to emotionally unfit people put together because what is the relationships purpose why do we get in relationship someone tell me to grow experience love to be happy to learn deep spiritual lessons to have someone to thank you sir very got something to fear now here’s what’s interesting everything you would say to me whatever you’re going to say to me about why we get in a relationship underneath it if you say so we can make a difference in the world together but why do you want to make a difference because it’s going to make you feel something there’s only one reason we get in relationship to magnify human emotion that’s it that’s God’s gift how many of you when you’re excited about something first thing you think about is who you want to tell share it with how many of them write this in some way say ah so some people use a friend but the intimate relationship if it’s not only safe but there’s real love and passion there there’s no better place if there’s trust if there’s respect there’s no greater place for this but the challenge of course is most people don’t have it at that level and one of the reasons again is there’s not that emotional fitness here’s what you got to know people feel they find their center of gravity and then they blame their partner and here’s what I mean by this when 9/11 happened I’ll never forget I have this experience I was in Hawaii I was doing a program there for a couple of thousand people from 45 countries we’re translating four languages simultaneously it was a 10-day program I used to do that was full self of 8:00 in the morning to midnight I mean you had people from all over the world real leaders and I just said living when do people really begin to live and they taste that if they face death and I look at in the eye and they decide to live they really start to live and I said what would your life be like if in the next 10 days you knew you couldn’t get off this island and he’s the last 10 days of your life what would you do different who would you call what would you say what truth would you tell what feelings would you share I went on to list for like 15 minutes that night not when one happened 3 o’clock in the morning they called me to tell me the buildings had just dropped and we had 200 people from New York there because I have a lot of people in the financial district that are my clients and there were at least 45 people we knew immediately that had lost their entire company all their friends family their husbands their wives instantaneously 3 o’clock in the morning go outside and it was pandemonium because you’ve got people from all these cultures every religion was represented in the room so outside there are people that are crying uncontrollably because they knew the end times were here there were people out there that were fighting because some people were celebrating I mean it was brutal no one thought I’d get everybody in the room I got him in the room and I said today is about emotional mastery that was the scheduled portion of that day was supposed to be I said and this is the real test and so we brought people together and I got people to express to me and sell each other the moment that 9/11 happened what did they focus on because these are three decisions that shape your life number one what are you to focus right now while I’m talking you make your decision what to focus on it’s what shapes your life it’s a shapes every relationship it shapes your entire destiny are you focused on what this is going to mean to your life are you focusing on who the hell is he to tell me that are you focusing on the smell of your neighbor after that jumping up and down whatever you focus on you feel don’t you even if it’s not true you feel it so focus is the first decision we make second decision is what does this mean is this the end or the beginning if you think it’s the end in a relationship you’re going to be a very differently than if you think it’s the beginning it’s God punishing me with this is God teasing me it’s got challenging me this God’s reward one shift in meaning instantaneously changes your emotion and your emotion is your life and then the third decision we make every moment is what are we going to do pull back go forward give up sit down stand out they could happen so I ask people what you focus on what did it mean what you decide to do people sit and share this and afterwards one moan raised her hand and she was from New York and she said you know last night after your talk she said my boyfriend asked me to marry him and I told him no because my previously fiance had been murdered and killed kidnapped and killed and she said I’m not over that he said well you go to have stupid seminar then it’s over between us and she said the fine it’s over and she said then when you said that first night I got chills so I called him last night at midnight so leave a message to tell him how much I love him that I want to marry him and she said he called me back at 3 o’clock this morning she said but I didn’t get the message but I have it here and he was at the top of the World Trade Centers where he worked and she actually has voices and Larry King later on sharing this and he plays this thing off and he says honey I can’t tell you what it means to me to get your message and to know that you love me you can’t imagine how much I treasure it and he said unfortunately I have bad news he said I don’t know what’s happened with the whole buildings on fire he said I’m not going to get out and since I just want you to know he said that I love you so much and that you’ve touched my heart my soul so much and there’s only one thing I could say to you is either you must be asking why God would do this to you twice with two different men he said I don’t know but maybe it’s a lesson honey that whatever you do every day of your life love and don’t ever hold it back again don’t hold back love don’t hold back anything love every day you’ve got I love you getting hung up everyone in the room is crying uncontrollably and then the first man who stands up as a man from Pakistan he says I just want to say I’d like to hold your hand say that I feel sorry for him cry with you but frankly I’m from Pakistan I’m a Muslim this is retribution it was like a war breakout in the room so I brought him on stage and I brought a man on stage who’s an Israeli man who truly was saved at least more than upset with his man he has family in the occupied territories he worked in the in the Twin Tower so if he’d been there that day then dad if he wasn’t at the seminar and we’ve merged these people but the biggest lesson I got they became friends they worked together for peace and it’s been you know five years whatever it’s been down secures the bottom line though is this I noticed something that day angry people got angry sad people got sad worried people worried loving people loved this one one was so pissed off so I went around asking about things she wasn’t from America she knows the one in New York City it’s an affect her in anyway that she was raging about this thing I said you just get pissed off all the time you use rage all the time which Canonical’s I was kinda like jet fuel I brought up this woman who worked in the hospitals in New York and she was guilty that she wasn’t there to help people but as you dig underneath she always finds a way to be guilty here’s my point people how many do you know somebody who always finds a way to be pissed off no matter what happens I don’t know somebody go say I how do you know somebody that isn’t funny but they think they are and they laughs a lot of thrown jokes that you find yourself laughing – how many does another say I who do you want to be with not hard to figure out is it emotions are a habit and when we go to relationship all we do is magnify them and then we find reasons to back them up those people use 911 was I said to them all of them you can feel in your sad you’re going to feel as sad as horrible as it is a 3,000 people died guess what 4,000 people die of cancer heart disease every day in this country and there men women children aunts uncles mothers and you’re not sitting around crying about them every day why you’re so selective in your compassion because what we did is focus on it and then people use that to produce an emotion that’s what people do in a relationship you want to change a relationship change the primary emotion that person lives and you want to do that retrain your body is one way only one I’m going to give you a couple plus one and eventually if you guys only if you can done it to yourself so let’s take this up one notch shake your body up and notice if you sat down already that ought to give you a clue that energy may not be at the high top of your list okay it’s like oh my god let me sit down and get comfortable I’m not being critical of you but just notice if you went for the path of least resistance that’s not signing up real well for your ability to transfer that to somebody else so but it’s a new muscles let’s use it let’s do this how many of you like to have more joy more excitement more passion more ecstasy in your life right now right hands AI and if you really want it you got to do it because emotions don’t just hit you they are triggered and you can trigger them through motion so here’s we’re going to do shake your body out and in a second here we are going to shake this building with our energy what I mean by that is we are going to celebrate for no good reason and here’s why I say that you don’t need a reason to feel good why do you have to justify feeling good and if you think that’s weird think about this most people don’t need a reason to feel bad isn’t it true I feel it like crap how come woke up people go I understand if you say to somebody how’s it going I feel so good how can you feel good I don’t know I just feel good take that guy in the funny farm isn’t it sick that we live in a culture if somebody’s happy we want to know why but if they’re sad we understand that’s where it is so we’ve got to change that pattern so here’s what you’re going to do most people our culture never celebrate anymore in a relationship without celebration is a dead relationship it’s dead celebration is a secret to Joy’s joy in a relationship is the basis of anything that’s where love can grow so one things you got to do is we’re going to celebrate now when do people or cultures celebrate like go crazy like a little kid and it’s socially acceptable when when you graduate from school yeah I did it not too going to work we may else do people celebrate come on they have their first child it’s a boy it’s a girl hug strangers is beautiful everybody accepts it anytime you’re weird win out can you really cut loose and celebrate you have your first orgasm good sir very good over I did it what else that’s right around the world this is the weird thing about human beings when a local sports team wins a national championship show me come on show me what people do come on yeah yeah we didn’t we did it cause we didn’t even do we did it you watched but I’m glad you finally make it okay to feel happy for a day isn’t it a weird thing culturally that we’re going to make our happiness tie to someone else’s performance that we can’t control just based on living in a city but at least the city goes crazy for that one day see you don’t need any excuse to feel good how many gotten more than uh reasons to be happy and grateful for your life for your help if you love say I so all you got to do is we train your body to celebrate instead of training yourself to fit in how many of you have ever lowered your happiness or your joy or your energy because someone else wasn’t feeling as good and you didn’t want to send them and does it make them feel better you’re playing small does not make them big all of those is lower the standard most of us have learned to do that so if you’re going to lead you got to step out of it so let’s do this we are going to celebrate just to get that energy in our body on a scale from zero to ten where zero is dead ten is unstoppable intensity go to twenty now to do that in case you haven’t celebrated many years I’ll remind you first key to celebration is your feet must come off the ground then that’s a I know it looks cool but when you actually rise up like this and you extend you open your diaphragm which changes your biochemistry instantly it doesn’t happen when you do this second key is you must use your voice how many of you in your kids used to make all kinds of weird noises come on make some crazy sounds out loud come on I got a question for you how many of you in this room love to sing when no one’s around you’re in your car you’re singing you’re walking you get to stoplight you’re still singing rockin you look over the first car next to you steering it like this what do you do you quickly pick up your cell phone act like you’ve been talking to someone what are we seeing even though we don’t sound good what do we like it that’s right because the emotion is created by and just seeing you through parts of your body you don’t normally move and if you don’t use it you so we like it even though it’ll sound good so when you’re celebrating you’re going to extend and you’re going to make sound like crazy how many you want to go for it’s AI then your job is to outdo the old person next to you with your intensity we’re going to clap we’re going to crop so we get the three and we’ll do it one two we go [Applause] Oh come on [Applause] beautifully kill high-five the people Ross is not a thief if you feel better before make it this and say yes [Applause] [Music]